Forgive Us Our Chest Passes

So the NBA season is 1+ week old. Perfect time to roll up the e-sleeves and start doing some previewing!

Here are 10 things to look forward to:

-Expect Amare Stoudemire to achieve what Buddhists refer to as ‘Paramita,’ or total fantasy domination. After banishing the Indiana Pacers beyond the spirit world, Amare will proceed to cast off his ego, ascend to the Realm of Evermore, and spend eternity contemplating new nicknames for Shaquille O’Neal.

-Look for lifelong absurdist theater buff Stephon Marbury to stage a one-man Off-Broadway production of a long-thought lost Samuel Beckett play. Reviewers will agree that, while Steph quite accurately captures the bleak realities of the destitution of man, his head tattoo is totally bonkers for reals.

-As foretold by the Havamal Sagas, Greg Oden will be hanged from Yggdrasil, the world-tree, and pierced by his own spear in order to gain the wisdom necessary to rule the god-domain of Asgard. He will be inactive for 2-4 weeks.

-Chris “Birdman” Andersen will return from a 2-year drug suspension to provide high-energy minutes off the bench for the New Orleans Hornets.

-With the conviction of crooked, game-throwing ref Tim Donaghy removing any taint of bias from the NBA’s officiating crews, aggrieved fanbases and unhinged sports radio hosts will be forced to find new scapegoats to assign blame for their teams’ woes. Leading candidates include: El Nino, atonal music, mysterious crystals made of unknown materials that reflect no light and steal your soul if you stare into them too long, that darned neighbor kid, the trickster coyote common to Native American myth, predatory lending practices, and nerds.

-Kobe Bryant will rewrite the record books, painstakingly, by hand.

-Following a championship which was due in large part to placing team success above individual achievements, the Celtics will further extend their selflessness. Kevin Garnett will block his own teammates’ shots to ensure everyone has the same season-end scoring average. Ray Allen will grow a beard and enroll at Harvard. Paul Pierce will sit out the regular season, take up residence above JD Salinger’s garage and, by way of explanation, say only, “It’s Veal Scalabrine‘s time to shine.” They will win the East.

Dickie Simpkins will contact the Bulls about a possible comeback, confusing the front office as they had not yet noticed his absence.

-With zero points, zero rebounds, and zero minutes played, Michael Ruffin will be the first player to register an Efficiency Rating of ?. Thousand of years in the future, it will be determined that this unknowable, unpronounceable glyph is in fact the true name of God, and to utter it is to swim with all of humanity in a sea of undifferentiated consciousness. Expect Ruffin to be cut midseason in an effort to make roster room for a Development League call-up.

-LeBron James final stat line will also contain the solution to the world’s hardest sudoku puzzle.

My crystal ball is hazy and also it is in actuality an everything bagel with jalapeno cream cheese, so this session of soothsaying must draw to a close. As things are revealed to me throughout the season, I will be sure to share them you. Stay tuned for future insights!

17 thoughts on “Forgive Us Our Chest Passes

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