What To Do When Someone, From the Window of a Large Vehicle, Casts Doubt Upon Your Sexual Preference

1. Open up a can of gay.

2. Point out, with direct and indelicate diction, that you’re way more cultured than he is. Leave him to stew in shame.

3. Borrow a move from Mortal Kombat’s fearsome Sub-Zero and discharge a near-fatal “ice blast” from your hands. Chip him out from his vehicle and transport him, frozen, to the nearest movie theater, leaving him to thaw while watching a purple period drama.

4. Engage the fellow in some bawdy talk, try out some of your less nuanced blue material, and, in so doing, disabuse him of his hasty assessment.

5. Discourse on the dynamic, protean, and spectral quality of preference and gender.

6. Concede the point, admitting that you could have probably located more “heterosexual clothing” in your wardrobe.

7. Attempt to locate some common ground and thereby mitigate the situation. Ask your heckler if he shares your fondness for Dr. Who, Guided by Voices, or P.G. Wodehouse.

8. Flip him off, tell him what intimacies you’ve already shared with his mother, pump your fist, turn, and dash into the woods.

9. Curse under your breath, and resolve to build a broad coalition to fight such abuse and inaccuracy. Brainstorm a name for such an organization (hint: Occupy Heterosexuality).

10. Challenge him to a “hetero-off,” in which the two of you will compete in various challenges to determine the straighter man. Events to include: repeating humorous lines from movies, describing the bodies of attractive females in a boorish or creepy fashion, butt-fucking, and forgetting the last time you got your hair cut or bought clothing alone.


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