Rational Responses to Benny Mardones Lyrics

Benny Mardones Lyric: She’s just sixteen years old
                                            Leave her alone, they say

Rational Response: Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. Sixteen? You can’t just … Holy shit, man, you need to pump your brakes.

Rational Responses to Rod Stewart Lyrics

Rod Stewart Lyric: “I’m coming home real soon
Be ready cause when I do
I’m gonna make love to you
Like fifteen men.”

Rational Response: “‘Like fifteen men’? Well, that just sounds awful.”

Two Unpopular Scotch-Irish Surnames

• McRapey
• O’AIDS

Two Definitions of “Popular Mechanics”

1. Hearst Corp. magazine title devoted to science and technology issues.
2. Those guys from the vo-tech program who used to stuff you and Norman Hibbert in the trash and who got those cheerleaders pregnant the summer before senior year.

Alternative “Livestrong Bracelet” Mantras

 

• “Against Some Kinds of Cancer, You Really Have No Chance”
• “Russia Sucks”
• “Half-Mile Walk/Fun Run Triumphalism”
• “Oh, What’s the Fucking Point”
• “Legalize Medical Angel Dust”
• “Asshole”
• “I Don’t Think I Can Do This”

This Day in History

December 20, 1974 – After months of legal wrangling and a number of thwarted ATF raids, Colonel Harland Sanders, founder and philosopher-king of the Kentucky Friend Chicken restaurant chain, agrees to release all of his remaining slaves, but only after he personally administers one final Christian beating with “Jasper Discipline,” his beloved walking cane. In exchange for his cooperation with jurisdictional authorities, Colonel Sanders’s proprietary blend of 11 herbs and spices is granted immunity from the Freedom of Information Act.

Double Entendres from the Barbecue World

• “So long as you’ve good a good rub, you don’t even need sauce.”
• “You should let the meat rest.”
• “It tastes better if you roast the pig on a spit.”
• “Looks like you’re going to need extra napkins.”
• “I am going to fuck this sandwich.”

Knock-Knock Jokes of the Early-20th Century Working Poor

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Orange.”

“Orange who?”

“My wife died in childbirth.”

Reasonable Responses to Confucian Wisdom

Confucian Wisdom: “In a hamlet of ten houses there must be men that are as faithful and true men as I, but they do not love learning as I do.”

Reasonable Response: “Well, la-di-da, your highness.”

 

Confucian Wisdom: “The Master said, I have met no firm man. One answered, Shen Ch’ang. The Master said, Shen Ch’ang is passionate; how can he be firm?”

Reasonable Response: “Tee hee.”

 

Confucian Wisdom: “Hear much, leave all that is doubtful alone, speak warily of everything else, and few will be offended. See much, leave all that is dangerous alone, deal warily with everything else, and thou wilt have little to rue. If thy words seldom give offence, and thy deeds leave little to rue, pay will follow.”

Reasonable Response: “So can I still get drunk?”

Ways In Which Kool Moe Dee’s “Go See the Doctor” Could Have Been Even More Tragic

In “Go See the Doctor,” Kool Moe Dee’s operatic tale of a venereal complaint, the rapperist tells us: “The poontang was dope, and you know that I rocked her / But three days later, go see the doctor.”

This is quite sad, but things could have been measurably worse for the cocksman in question. The poontang might not have been all that dope. Or the passive/receptive partner might not have been all that rocked by the experience. Just imagine! Under such circumstances, social diseases are hardly worth the trouble.