Dear Kingsford Charcoal
I got pretty drunk on the fourth of July, celebrating America at my girlfriend’s parents’ house. We had really great chicken. Around 1 AM I took the can of Kingsford brand lighter fluid and drew a giant penis encircled by a heart on the driveway. I thought I would set it on fire to impress my girlfriend, but it wouldn’t light, and now there is a huge penis stain on her dad’s driveway and my girlfriend won’t touch me anymore. It’s a new driveway. How can I clean this shit up? Her parents are coming home soon. Your product is really great. It always sets on fire.